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How to Heal Your Relationship

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How to Heal Your Relationship

 

Are you struggling with a particular relationship? Do you question whether you are right together or would you like help resolving any conflict that keep cropping up in your current relationship? To connect more deeply, you want to focus on warming up your own side of the fence first - instead of trying to fix, change or improve others so they are more loveable.

It is easy to fall into the trap of making relationship conflicts about the other person. What they said or didn’t say. What they did or didn’t do. What they meant or didn’t mean. But to proactively move from conflict to connection, you must remember that your relationships with others are a perfect reflection of your relationship with yourself. Here are five ways to heal any floundering relationship.

1. Be The Person You Want To Love

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People try to take from others what they aren’t experiencing within themselves. If you think that someone else should be kinder, more communicative, giving etc. then ask: Where can I be more of what I want?  When you become the person you have wanted other people to be, many conflicts dissolve away because you no longer resist the lack of certain attributes in others and aren’t attached to them being a better or improved version.

2. Take Everything As An Invitation To Love Better

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We habitually want other people to change so we don’t have to. However as the saying goes, when you point the figure there are always three pointing back at you. Look for themes in any arguments, disappointments and common feedback you receive from others. Don’t waste time playing the blame game to instead be open and humble. Explore if any issue you have with someone else is an invitation to learn how to love in a more unconditional way.

3. Look For Opportunities To Give, Especially Praise

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Service sits at the heart of the most successful relationships. ‘How can I serve you?’ as opposed to ‘What’s in it for me?’ Whenever you feel a problem arising in a relationship, find ways to give and be of service. When you make the relationship about how you can help the other person to be happy, feel loved and have a great day (without trying to fix or change them), then it’s amazing how fluid and fun relationships become.

4. Be Willing To Share More Of Your Vulnerable Side

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Raising your defensive walls within relationships is a fear-based habit that can be transcended. There is great strength in vulnerability because it takes humility and courage to let your ‘weaknesses’ be seen by others. I am constantly amazed by how quickly conflict evaporates when one party is willing to honestly share what’s really going on for them. ‘When you did that I felt scared that you might leave me’ or ‘when you work late I question if it’s because you don’t want to be home with me’. It’s very hard to be in conflict with someone waving the transparent flag of vulnerability.

5. Don’t Go Changing Trying To Please Me

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Would you feel completely loved by someone if they always wanted you to be different? If you weren’t quite good looking enough, funny enough, clever enough, rich enough or tidy enough, for example?  How loved would you feel living with that kind of pressure to perform? I can only assume, not very much.

My Spiritual Teacher once asked: Are you willing to fully commit to this relationship, even if the other person never changes? Well, are you? Forcing others to live up to your criteria for what’s ‘loveable’ only leads to a fake love with its foundations based in judgement. But if you desire deeper connections then let others be enough, exactly as they are now, it’s the key to healing relationships and loving without limits.

 

When Leaving Is The Best Option... The caveat to what I've shared above is whenever there is any form of abuse going on. On these occasions, it’s time to call it a day and get the hell out of dodge. It’s not your job to fix the other person or make them stop their destructive relationship patterns. It is their responsibility to resolve their issues. If this sounds harsh, it is quite the opposite. Walking away can be the very wake up call they need to heal the stuff that’s preventing them from experiencing real love. If you stay, you can limit them from the lessons they need. If you find it hard to leave, then clear the conflict within you that would cause you to stay in an abusive relationship. 


 

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How to Meet a Life Partner

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How to Meet a Life Partner

 

Have you been single for longer than you would like? Do you believe that there's nobody out there for you? Are you questioning if you'll ever meet your life partner?

Falling in love is one of the most wonderful human experiences. If you are single with a desire to meet someone and fall in love, then here's five top tips that can help you to lay the foundations for finding someone and enjoying a fantastic relationship:

1. Don't Resist Being Single

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The first step towards meeting someone is to clear any resistance you may have towards being single. As the famous phrase goes - what you resist persists - so as long as you are resistant to your current relationship status, it will most likely continue. Ask: What is it about being single that I do not like? Perhaps you dislike coming home to an empty house or you believe you can't be happy until you've met your soulmate?

Irrespective of your personal reasons, aim to get peace with the current reality. What could make your home more welcoming to come home to? What sort of things make you happy, beyond being in a relationship? Contentment and happiness are much more attractive than neediness and 'please love me'. Enjoy your time being single as it has many upsides. 

2. Resolve Past Relationship Hurts

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When we have been hurt in the past, then we can unconsciously protect ourself from future hurt. Despite wanting to meet someone, there can be a part of us that believes it's safer to stay single - so that is how we remain. This can happen because we have an incongruent and conflicted desire. In other words, a part of you wants to meet someone and another part of you doesn't, which sends a mixed message out into the world.

Ask: What is it about the past relationship that hurt? What can I know now that, if I had known it in the past, I would have never felt that way in the first place? Explore more positive ways of remembering the relationship and get peace with the past. Doing so will provide you with a more congruent desire that is supported by 100% of your mind, body and soul.

3. Know You Are Worthy

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Do you know, in your heart, that you are fully worthy of experiencing the most wonderful love-filled relationship? Are you fully willing to let love into your life? One of the reasons people don't meet anyone is because they don't believe they are worthy of the love they want. This stops them approaching people that they 'fancy' and has them talk themselves out of the possibility of anyone wanting them. 

You are worthy. Right now. Simply because you exist! Not because you are a 'good catch' in the eyes of society. Or due to any other reason that you can come up with that would justify your worthiness. Repeat after me 'I am worthy'. When you fully know this, then life will reflect it back to you. (If you need to nurture this knowing more deeply, then I recommend checking out the Body Calm meditation technique inside the Calm Clan.) 

4. Recognise They Are Out There

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I had been single for a couple years and had moved to a small town outside London where I only knew two people - who were married! It was suggested to me that I join a dating website. Not to necessarily meet anyone, but to heal the belief that I was carrying that 'there is nobody out there'. So I did exactly that! I joined a dating website and saw there were loads of people - just like me - also looking to be in a relationship. This gave my mind evidence to come to a new conclusion about my relationship prospects.

I believe clearing that misinformed belief paved the way for me to see the opportunities to meet someone -  but I had perviously not been seeing due to being blinded by the belief. So either take my word for it - there are thousands of people out there looking for love - or join a dating site (again, not necessarily to search for someone, but to heal the belief that there's nobody out there). 

5. Don't Get Clear On Who You Want

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Yes you read that right! You may have assumed I would suggest in this article that you should get clear on what you want i.e. write your relationship shopping list, of sorts. Well, I don't actually believe that's the way to go. I've met many people who are single and very clear on what they want. To the point that their list has become so long and their relationship requirements so specific, that they are missing a multitude of perfect people.  I'm with the woman of my dreams - she's exactly what I didn't know I wanted! Life had bigger relationship plans for me that I had for myself. By letting go of the specific details, I became open to meet the perfect person for me. 

By no longer resisting being single, healing past relationship hurts, knowing you are worthy and realising that there are lots of available people out there, you can create a wonderful platform for the perfect relationship. And by being open-minded and hearted as to who you should be with and letting life present them to you, then all you need to do is be ready to say 'yes' when the perfect person comes along. 


 

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How to Heal a Broken Heart

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How to Heal a Broken Heart

 

I've not met anyone who's fallen in love, with the intention of breaking-up one day. We fall in love with the hope that this person is 'the one' and with the intention of it being our 'happy-ever-after'.

If you are reading this with a hurt heart then the first step is to honour how you are currently feeling. It sucks to go through a break-up! However, this is the position you currently find yourself in - so allow me to offer some words of advice - as someone who's healed a multi-broken-heart!  I hope these four insights help you to navigate your way through this change with more inner calm: 

1. How You Are Feeling Is Temporary. It Will Pass, I Promise.

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All emotions are temporary, even the ones you are feeling right now. One reason we suffer at times like these is because we buy into the belief that 'I will feel this way forever'. It's not true. You will feel good again. You will even feel great again! You will laugh again. You will feel love again. Perhaps far sooner than you may think possible. 

It is natural to feel a range of emotions at this time. The key is to do so consciously. By this I mean, do your best to observe them instead of getting so caught up in them. Ask: What am I feeling? Where do I feel it within my body? Common answers include heart, solar plexus or stomach. Has there ever been a time in my life when I did not feel this way? The answer to this is a resounding YES! These question can help you to a) recognise your feelings are temporary, and b) by observing them in the area of your body, you can find them less upsetting. Give it a go without expecting them to disappear immediately. Instead, notice how you can calmly coexist with the feelings more.

2. Be Ruthlessly Honest With Yourself. Were They Really What You Wanted?

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During one of my most significant break-ups, I was very upset, to the point I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost loads of weight and bored the ears off my friends and family talking about it. Then one day, my best friend gave me some honest feedback - 'I'm surprised you're so upset because the impression you gave me was that you didn't see yourself with them forever'. BOOM! It hit me between my eyes. I was upset because the decision to break-up had been theirs. The truth was I was considering end things one day, but it had happened before I wanted it to! This recognition stopped me playing the victim.

I invite you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself. Were they reallyall that you wanted? Where they loving, kind, communicative, generous, attentive etc. in ways that worked for you ?  Do you want to be with someone who would act how they have or would walk away?

I once realised that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me - without me having to act a certain way or convince them that I'm loveable. Meaning, if anyone does want me to change or needs convincing then I don't actually want to be with them!  How does your ex meet up to this simple requirement? If they aren't loving you - exactly as you are - then it's time to say 'next!'. Trust me, you want to be with someone who will step up and step through any 'stuff' standing in the way of a loving relationship. You want someone who will be there for you - through easy and hard times. If they haven't done so, then they are not what you want. 

3. What Is It About The Break-up That's The Real Root Cause Issue?

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Leading on from the previous point. Explore what about the break-up is really the problem for you? Did it not happen when you wanted it to? Was the decision taken out of your hands? Do you feel powerless or lacking control? Do you hate it when someone thinks bad of you? Are you concerned about what other people might think? They key here is clarity - by getting clear on what the burning issue around the break-up actually is for you.

Once aware of it, you can get peace with it. ASK: What is it about the break up that's a problem for me? Is it possible for me to be at peace with this at some point in my life? The answer again is a resounding 'YES, it's possible'. Then consider: What will the future me know then so that they can be at peace with it? The 'future me' knows that I am worthy of true love, will meet someone else, don't need anyone to love me to know that I am loveable, for example. Resolving the root-cause issue can speed up your 'getting over it' - massively! 

4. Surround Yourself With A Supportive Community

Countless clients have been motivated to work with me because they are going through a break-up. The split has been the catalyst to step up, wake up and live the life they really wanted.  I highly recommend you use this event for something positive. There is no need for you to be alone at this time. If you are, then it's your choice because, for example, the Calm Clan is full of lovely people all with the common goal of living with peace, love and happiness. Surrounding yourself with positive people can really help you move through this transition into something better much more easily. 

In summary, by recognising your current feelings are temporary, being ruthlessly honest with yourself as to whether they really were 'the one', resolving your root-cause issue surrounding the split and by giving yourself the gift of a supportive community, you can swiftly get over this and love full-heartedly again. 


 

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