Love without Awareness is reliant on the analytical mind and inevitably ends up conditional. The mind cannot comprehend ‘unconditional’ because it operates using reason and check boxes. All of the minds conditions that determine whether someone is loveable or not, is based upon the past, and what you’ve been conditioned to believe is loveable and what is not.
Love from the mind usually includes a silent ‘because’ along with some kind of performance related justification. ‘I love you because… You are good looking, are nice to me, agree with me, or are successful’, for example. But what makes love without Awareness so problematic for so many is that if you aren’t Self-Aware (aware of the aspect of your Self that is Aware), then you will be more inclined to experience a false love that has its foundations in fear and conflict.
Fear inevitably arises when you’re not engaging Awareness.
Being Self-Aware you discover that your Awareness is an unconditional, all-allowing, all-encompassing, all-embracing, ever-present presence of love. Amazingly, you can find that the presence of your inner being is love. Or in other words, at your core, you are the love that you have been seeking from external means. Recognizing this enables you to ‘live in love’, engaging everyone with an attentiveness upon the inner being of love that you are.
Until I discovered this, ‘I love you’ had become a question. I love you? I would graspingly ask it to check that I was loved by hearing the words back. If there was ever a slight pause and the ‘I love you too’ didn’t return as fast as a boomerang on speed, I would freak out. What’s wrong? Are we ok? What can I do? Why don’t you just love me as I am? I’m a good person, you know! My fear and resultant insecurity, neediness and jealously ruined a series of perfectly good relationships.
Performance-love makes us puppets on the strings of fear.
Growing up, many of us have been rewarded with love and reprimanded by the removal of love. At the nursery I went to as a kid, if I did something wrong I had to stand and face the corner. Perhaps your penalty was the ‘naughty step’ or being sent to your room? This conditioning causes many to feel the need to start performing to get love from their parents, partners and peers. Even complete strangers in the street!
Being unaware of the unconditionally loving presence of your own Awareness, you end up forced to look for, and try to get love outside yourself - through finding your ‘perfect match’ or by making sure everyone who crosses your path loves you. If the source of love is outside of you, then it can be taken away, and fear kicks in immediately.
Living with the fear of love being taken away from you leads to unhealthy relationship habits like dependency, jealously, sensitivity, neediness, ownership, arguments and loneliness. Again, at the heart of these fear-based behaviours is conflict. Including resistance to love being taken away and attachment to love being attained from every possible external source. It is a recipe for disaster due to the necessity to twist and contort yourself in order to be loveable by others, along with the pressure it puts on the people you are trying to take love from. It is also a lost cause because you are trying to get love from a place that it cannot be found.
Yes, people may love you, but you won’t feel it or fully accept that they do. Frustration, distrust, closing down, distancing yourself, unworthiness, self-dislike and unresolved hurts all end up standing in your way of connecting deeply with yourself and others. However, once you find that the love you are looking for is inside, you find there is nothing to fear and these habits can fall away.
Relationships are given space to breathe, grow, and move on if need-be, and you get to love freely with an open palm. You get to enjoy being free and single. You get to enjoy being free and in a committed relationship. You get to be free because you’ve moved from conflict to true connection… with your Self.
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